Dear Vywamus and Andrea
How can I be of help to my parents, at the soul level, as they get closer to the end of this life cycle and once they pass away? My mother has some form of religious belief but my father is an atheist.
With love and gratitude
Flavia
Dear Flavia,
Thank you for bringing up this question. You are right on track in perceiving that, although you can be of help to your parent in many ways at this time, the most essential and necessary help you can give will be at the soul level
Nowadays in your culture, much attention is given to helping seniors with practical problems of everyday living, and with medical and legal problems, but there isn’t much focus on the spiritual side. Hospice programs, and some churches, provide help to elders in finding a peaceful and harmonious way of passing over, and help their families to take part in this passing and to process their own feelings. Where such help is available, I always advise taking it. Yet many kinds of help, including hospice, come only when dying seems imminent, and it is much better, as you are aware, to prepare for this important passage months, even years, ahead.
You may have already taken some of the steps I suggest below, and some may be new to you. Still I list them for the benefit of other readers who face a similar situation with their parents.
The period before, during, and after a parent’s death is a sacred time. It can be a time of being together in new ways and possibly a time in which your relationship deepens. But whatever form it takes, be aware that this time is an important passage for you,as well as an ultimate passage for your parent.
Knowing this, before you set out to help your parent, I would say, begin by looking at your own beliefs and emotions about death, and your own emotions and needs — usually a mix of many – about your parent and his or her passing. Just sit for a bit with your own beliefs and feelings. To know where you are is always the best starting point when you are setting out to help someone else. Some of your beliefs and feelings will change and evolve or even resolve themselves, just by your sitting with and acknowledging them. Some may not. That’s all right too. Just accept that they are part of you for now.
Now, on the everyday level, your relationship with your parent may have been good up to now. Or it may have been very negative. Or possibly it is good, but falls short of the depth of intimacy and ease that you would like to have. Or, it gets lost in the practical cares of visiting doctors’ offices, dealing with medical crises, dealing with daily activities, finding the right shoes, and so on. But — I want to assure you that, whatever goes on between you at the personal level, at the soul level you and your parent have a deep, abiding, and satisfying relationship where you are always honest and loving with one another.
You and/or your parent may not be much in touch with the soul level, and so not very aware of this deep soul connection between you. Or, this awareness may only come in occasional glimpses. Often preoccupations and emotional blocks in personal life will obscure the power and breadth of this soul relationship. Yes it is there. At the end of life, and at other times of great change or crisis, often this soul level comes closer to your surface awareness and becomes more accessible. And so this sacred time before the end of a parent’s life gives you both new opportunities, even in the midst of everyday conversations and activities, and in the midst of difficulties and challenges, to recognize the soul in each other.
If you want to go beyond occasional lucky glimpses, I suggest that you take time to actually have some inner conversations with your parent at the soul level. To do this, go first to your own soul level in whatever way works best for you. Meditation is usually the best, and you will find many good writings about how to meditate. Or, you might use the “I AM” exercise in Chapter 18 of my book The Next Big Bang, or the items I have on the News page of this web site, under the titles Noticing the Energies of Spirit and Two Hands Meditation. The object is to get into a state of consciousness where you are in a broader, larger energy, beyond the usual thoughts and emotions of your personal everyday self, that is, where you are at the soul level. With practice you develop a sense of knowing when you are in this state of larger consciousness.
Once there, reach out toward your parent’s soul. It doesn’t matter if in everyday life your parent is spiritual or religious, or not. At this soul level your parent is a large, wise loving being who is nevertheless recognizable as the unique mother or father you know. Unlike what can often happen at the personal level, here there is perfect harmony between you, love is fully there, and you can talk about anything freely. So, do that. Talk about your relationship, talk about death, talk about how you can best help him or her, talk about what help you want from your parent. Anything you need to say, or to hear. Or, sometimes, don’t talk. Simply be, in the presence of each other’s soul. You will be doing what most needs doing.
Now, back in your everyday personal life with your parent, remember that everything done or said or felt at the personal level has a soul layer that underlies it. If you have done some of the mediations I have suggested, you may be able, when you look for it, to sense this soul level even in the apparently least “spiritual’ of interactions with your parent. Be aware of this. Be aware that, even when talking on the phone, or taking your parents to the doctor, or dealing with a will, or listening to your parent’s thoughts and concerns, however limited they may seem to you, there is that layer of Spirit underneath it. You don’t have to say anything about it. Simply notice the spiritual energies in and around you both and be present with your parent’s spirit during these everyday moments.
When you do his, you will know you’ve already made the essential connection, even if you parent doesn’t seem to be aware of it. But I assure you, at the deepest, possibly unconscious and inarticulate, level of themselves, they feel it too.
After this, you may decide you also want to talk more deeply with your parent one on one, at the personal level. There may be things you need to hear from them, or things you want to tell them. You may want to know how it is for them in this last phase of their life. You may want to talk of death, or of an afterlife. Or of many other things. This is worth a try, if you are moved to do it. Be present in the moment and you’ll know what to say and how to say it. And your parent may surprise you by being more open than you expect.
Or, maybe not. Some parents have such fear or such reluctance to talk about their thoughts and feelings, and especially about important issues, that they may never be able to do so. If that’s the case with your parent, the main thing you can do is to continue to be helpful and present for them on the everyday level – as far as they will let you, and as far as your own limitations may allow – and then to keep talking to them and listening to them at the soul level. At that level you can have the conversation that may not be possible between your everyday personal selves. And be aware that this conversation is actually going on all the time, whether you notice it or not, in the background, beneath all your everyday interactions. You can choose when to “tune in.”
When the time comes for your parent to pass over, whether you can be there in person or not, make a special effort spend time with them at the soul level. If you are there, hold their hand if it seems right, talk or listen to them, but most of all simply be present, and recognize their soul. Just be there, holding them and yourself in love, light, and peace. You will be doing what is needed.
After that, it is not over. This soul relationship with your parent goes on after death. It’s possible your parent may come to you in dreams or in some other form. You may simply feel their presence at times, or suddenly recall something they’ve said. But you don’t have to wait for them to reach out. Conversation at the soul level is always possible, using the same steps as I suggested above. Indeed, it is sometimes easier to converse when they have passed over and you have more direct contact with their soul.
Remember too that deceased parents and other family often stay around to be of help, but that they may also have a need to learn from you and your doings in your own life. You can make them welcome to continue and interact with you in your life if you wish to. If you do this, you may find that old issues and irritations are resolved or dissolved, and that the relationship becomes deeper, stronger, and more heart connected than ever. And you will be sure, more than ever, that love never dies.
With love,
Vywamus