Dear Vywamus,
How can we deal with hostility directed at us?
In light and love,
Umesh
Dear Umesh,
This depends on what form(s) the hostility takes. If there is a physical form, e.g., physical violence toward yourself, or verbal/emotional abuse, or behavior that puts your job or your relationship(s) in jeopardy, then the first thing is to take any practical steps you need to protect yourself and keep yourself (or your job or relationships) safe. This may mean going to authorities, or at least, removing yourself from a situation where you may be harmed. Being on a spiritual path does not mean you should allow others to harm you – indeed the reverse is true. It is your responsibility to stand up for yourself as far as possible and not collude with or enable their harming you. This would not be good for you or indeed for them.
Now, besides taking any action you need to keep yourself safe, there are other levels to address. To begin with, having a larger perspective is helpful. You may be aware of something you have done or said to provoke hostility in the other person, so it is important to see that. Also, note whether their hostility is a reasonable reaction to the situation between you, or if, as is often true, it seems way out of proportion.
Whether they are reasonable and justified or not, hostility and anger are always defensive responses, reactions to feeling threatened or feeling hurt. So, the other person is reacting to fear or pain. This might be fear or pain about something you have done or might do to them in this life, it could have to do with other lives where you have done them harm, or, most often of all, it is that you remind them of someone else. Your appearance, or words, or actions, may resemble those of someone who has done them harm, and this may have triggered off an unconscious response that does not really belong to you or to the current situation – or only partially so. It is helpful for you to note this and to note that perhaps only a small part of their hostility has anything to do with you personally. Examine the situation, then, and take responsibility for any part of it that you think is yours, but be wary of taking it all personally.
There are two further steps I would suggest: 1) Picture this person at a younger age. Usually the unconscious hostility you get from a person is related to their own experiences when they were younger. You may be able to picture them as a scared or hurt 2 year old (or 4 year old or 6 year old) who is angrily striking out at you, without knowing what else to do. (Indeed if this hostile person is someone close to you, a friend or family member, you may even know what experiences they had in childhood that would predispose them to act this way.) So whenever an actual situation occurs where the person behaves in a hostile way toward you, see him or her as that younger child who is lashing out in pain or fear, and send them compassion if you can. This does not mean you have to let them harm you. As I often say to others who are in this situation, “Just because you understand why a 4 year old is kicking you in the shins, it does not mean you should let them do it.” With a 4 year old, or in the current situation, you do need to set the appropriate limits.
2) Have a conversation at the soul level. Go to your own higher levels, through meditation or whatever other way you use to get there, and there at the soul level, have a dialogue with their soul. At this level, the person’s Higher Self will always hear you and be open to positive changes in the relationship. Sometimes this is helpful to your relationship in everyday life, and sometimes the hostile person is not enough in touch with their own soul level for this to make any apparent difference. Still, this is good for you to do, and you will have the reassurance of seeing the other dimensions of that relationship.
When you have taken the 2 steps above, you will more easily be able to avoid getting pulled into the trap of a power struggle with the hostile person, but rather be able to detach and objectively (and hopefully compassionately) observe what is happening. If you need to take some kind of action, it can then be from a calmer, more centered, and therefore more powerful place in yourself. Finally, it is likely that you are not the only one this person is directing hostility toward, so it will also be helpful for you to watch what happens as it occurs with others.
Dealing with a hostile person is an important challenge for all of you on a spiritual path. Sometimes the lesson is how to be compassionate with and stand up for and protect yourself – for you are a precious soul of great value, and we wish that you cherish yourself as much as we cherish you. Often the lesson also entails seeing the other person in a broader way, recognizing their own issues, detaching from the entanglements of conflicts with them, and sending them compassion – but without letting yourself be injured. If the other person’s hostility brings out anger, or feelings of vulnerability, and so on, in you, then there is also the opportunity to observe these feelings as they come up, accept them, be compassionate with them, and see what work needs to be done with those feelings.
Thank you for bringing up this issue, it is a great challenge which appears on everyone’s spiritual path at some time. We congratulate you on coming to the place where you have the opportunity to confront it. And you can be sure that we are always around to love and support you, in this and in all steps on your path.
Warmly,
Vywamus