(Dear Vywamus,)
how to stop negative feelings, self-sabatoge, find a true, joyful love and accept it and know you are both truly right for each other
M.B.
Dear M.B,
Thank you for writing in with your double question about dealing with negative feelings and finding the right partner to love. And I see that you are quite aware of how these two issues are linked.
So first, I would like you to read what I wrote this month to Gold (November 2013). In some ways you and she have a very similar soul path, and I could just as easily have written her letter, verbatim, to you as a response to your first question. It is meant for you also. So do read and carry out the suggestions I have given her.
If you want a good relationship with someone, it is absolutely crucial to do the work I’ve described in that letter. If you haven’t learned and practiced being present with yourself and accepting of yourself, then it is very hard to let in, and really feel, love from anyone else. And so you will feel constantly needy, and be constantly trying harder to get more love and approval from the other person — when you aren’t even receiving the love and care they might already be giving you. You can see that this would be a real obstacle to finding and keeping a true partner. Or even a true friend.
So do that work, in your case, simply being present with the negative feelings and the inclination to self-sabotage, as I have laid it out in Gold’s letter. In the process, you may learn a great deal about different parts of you that are in conflict with each other, and what they need before the conflict can be resolved.
When you have done that practice for a time, you will begin to really feel that you are there for you – whatever anyone else does. At the deepest level, your happiness is not totally dependent on anyone else – because you will always have you. This is a very positive step in changing your old pattern and attracting and recognizing a joyful match where there is love, equality, respect, and interdependence (as opposed to dependence.)
Do that inner work until you feel a shift happening within yourself, then follow the usual common sense recommendations. Be out in the world, engage in activities you enjoy, go on the internet, be open to meeting someone who fits in with your new way of being.
Then, when you do meet someone, stay balanced. Don’t drop the practice of sitting with yourself and being present. If you are tempted to go back to your old pattern and depend on the new person for your emotional income, it’s definitely a time to step up the practice of being present with yourself, being present with all your feelings, and even present with the urge to go back into your old pattern. Just watch all that happening within yourself, but also pay attention to the new patterns of being present with yourself that you have established. How would the relationship look if you could stay present with yourself and be with the other person?
Practice being with yourself while in the presence of the new person. If you can do this, you may form a new kind of relationship, a very satisfying one where you are not always needy and you feel cared for as the person you are. On the other hand, if you find it is constantly a problem for you to be your real self with the new person, it may be that he or she is not a good fit with the new you you have grown into, and that someone else may be a better match for you. If this is hard to face, you may want to consult someone before you make a choice, but whatever you do, remember: You are not alone, ever. You always have you.
And you have us too, of course. We know it is sometimes not very easy to be human. We are always with you, giving you our support.
Vywamus